It’s officially on – exam time, that is. I’m going spare this year. Really, I am. I have no idea how I’ll manage because I’m in such a strange slump. I have zero energy for anything. Yes, I already prepared for the first exams coming up in the next few days, but there’s still so much to do and I feel like I’ll never manage. Stupid, I know. I’ve finished my BA, tackling two more years for a MA should be easy enough now that I’ve proven to myself I can do it. So what is going on?
It’s strange. Studying was never hard for me – I had high motivation, a sense of pride in my accomplishments, an unquenchable curiosity, and a sense of purpose. That’s all gone now, the last few years at the uni have robbed me of that. I felt like trash, like a stupid girl once I went to my classes. I understood the syllabus, I got it, but I felt little enjoyment in attending. It’s the attitude towards students, a strange kind of frustration on both sides. There’s been so much bullshit thrown around, so many fails because professors don’t like someone or just enjoy toying with students. On the other hand, they expect us to be really driven, reading extra material, and contributing to our chosen fields of study. Very few do that, most just set their teeth and pray for a pass or a high enough grade to keep their (almost nonexistent) scholarships.
I guess, I expected more than that. I expected interesting lectures, helpful study material, and a tight-knit group of fellow students to bounce ideas off. Yet our schedules are so messy, you get to meet just few of them in smaller classes. Yes, this year I actually got to meet all fellow future professors of English and Sociology, but we still have so many elective courses that there are few moments when we could meet and just chat. I miss a sense of camaraderie I experienced in high school. Perhaps that is what makes me so frustrated. Yet, there’s this saying going around; “If you don’t know enough to be truly competent in your field of study, you will become a professor.” One of the professors said that to our faces at the start of the year. Like: fuck you. So maybe you can understand my strange mood. I know I will get my shit together in the next days and ace the exams, but I feel that I’ve got a right to feel pride in my chosen vocation. The economy in my homeland may be on a road towards a new nadir, and unemployment rates among fresh graduates rising; nonetheless, I will have this degree. Even if I end up working a job I did not study for, that’s ok. I wouldn’t mind emigrating either if the situation gets worse. It will be a hard road, no question, yet I have enough strength in me yet.
So, my fellow students – good luck in your studies. Let’s ace them together.